John Karr part four (last part)

   One morning when the ground was finally dry I stepped outside to find my horse tied to a stake just outside our home. This was Rusty, the horse I had back home and had run away from the Cheyenne that very first time on. She was young and a very good runner but I was unsure what it meant that she was tied up outside my lodge. Did it mean that they had decided to return her to me?

   My questions were answered moments later when I spotted Crossing The Water walking towards me.

"come, bring horse" he said but not in english as he knew my skill with the Cheyenne language now and would probably never use the english language around me again.

   I untied Rusty and followed him though it was not long before I could see a gathering of men on the far side of camp and I knew exactly what was happening. Did these people never tire of racing? Perhaps they wanted to see how well I could race with a slightly injured leg and I wondered if they knew that I had already done it when the knife was plunged into my leg and I had kept going anyway.
   I could see that there were four other men waiting none of whom I recognized although that wasn't saying much as I knew very few of the people here. One of the brothers of Moon Rises joined then bringing the number of men in the race to six including me.
   I did not like these odds and I was sure that some if not all of these men had wanted the opportunity to race against a white man.
   I moved into position at the end of all the men and listened as instructions were given to all of us by the older man who had taken care of me throughout the winter. I could not understand him perfectly but I did understand that we were to race out into the prarie go around the two men waiting on horseback from right to left then come back.
    I had been so intent on listening to the older man that I did not realize Moon Rises brother was next to me and that he was staring at me.
"you will not win"
   I just gave him a smile, nothing more as the call was given and all six of us shot out towards the prarie. I could tell right away Rusty wanted to run, she loved to run and she was not bothered a bit by all the other horses as she seemed to understand what was going on. Many of the other men shouted urging their horses to go faster but I simply used my knees, both at the same time, as Rusty understood what I meant. I leaned forward as she drew on her strength to give us the speed we needed and keep even with two of the other men.
   The ground beneath us was not even and I worried for just a second that Rusty might get hurt but she was more intent to keep up with the other horses and eventually surpass a few of them. When we reached the two men on horseback at the furthest point I was ahead of three of the men and kept on going picking up bursts of speed on the return to the starting point. I could see a few of the men's faces when they turned to look at me and knew that they were not pleased as I pulled ahead of them and came in third. I did not win but I did not loose either and i did not care as I took Rusty's lead and led her back to the home I shared with Moon Rises. One thing that had not occured to me was just how long my hair had grown. I had not thus far found a way to cut it as I did not have a knife nor had I thought of cutting it and it was past my shoulders. At the very least I needed to tie it back and I would need to find a strip to do this.
   Crossing the water came to find me as I was tying Rusty to the outside of our home and he looked quite serious.
"the child comes" he told me
    "where is she?" I asked now knowing why Moon Rises had left early and I had not seen her all morning. I had a feeling that the baby was coming a little earlier than it should and this caused me to worry as we walked to a lodge set well back from the others.  Crossing the Water instructed me to sit as we neared the lodge but all I wanted was to be in there with Moon Rises.
   "you would not help the women" Crossing the Water told me
   Still, I could not help but to try and listen at the goings on inside and from time I could hear her moan then breathe quick short breaths. She did not cry even once and I had to imagine that like most Cheyenne this was her sign of strength.
    We sat there for hours even past the time that the sun was high in the sky waiting and I worried while Crossing the Water was very calm, perhaps to try and keep me calm.
   "you must not touch her for two seasons, not until the child no longer requires nourishment from it's mother" Crossing the Water spoke and I thought of how it would be had I taken a woman to wife back home. It would have been my right to lie with her as often as I wanted. As I began to think it over in my mind however I realized that it was in respect to the woman to perhaps give her time to heal, to allow her the neccesary time to care for the child and to prevent another one from coming so soon. It would not be easy and it would mean that I would have to refuse Moon Rises but I would do it.
   I simply nodded in understanding letting him know that I would do it then turned, startled, as a very loud yell erupted from within the walls of the lodge in front of us. I could hear a woman speaking and more loud moaning which caused me to tense and nearly rise to my feet. I did not like the thought of Moon Rises in pain, especially this much pain but all I could do was listen as she pushed and then we waited.
   As soon as we could hear the wail of a baby I stood. Crossing the Water stood also grabbing my arm so that I would not go into the lodge.
"wait until the baby is brought outside" he said
   So I waited, ready to spring like a tethered horse that wanted to run and when the mother of Moon Rises finally stepped outside with a small wrapped bundle I could wait no more.
   She did not smile as she handed over the baby and I was able to hold him for the first time. I did not even need to see him unwrapped to know that I had a son and marveled at how tiny he was. He looked exactly like his mother and showed no evidence of having a white father.
   I then looked towards the lodge wanting to see Moon Rises and did not care if I was supposed to wait any longer. I pulled up the flap and stepped inside where she was still being cleaned and visibly tired but offered a weak arm in my direction. She smiled upon seeing our son and reached for him when he began to cry placing him at her breast. I sat beside her and helped her to sit up as the other women helped to expel the afterbirth and continued to clean her.
   Neither of us could get enough of looking at the tiny figure at her breast but then she looked up at me with tears on her face and said
"our son"
   I still could not believe that I was now a father and one of the first things I needed to do was retrieve my arrows and bow. The Cheyenne people would not provide for us any longer as they had been doing and I would not let us go without.
   Later that night Crossing the Water came to find me telling me to follow him. He led me to a place in front of all the homes there where a large fire was burning and a type of celebration was occuring. He told me to sit in a place where my back was to all the homes but none of the other people surrounding the fire were sitting. I did not know what this meant and when I went to question Crossing the Water he did not answer me. There was a lot of food there, everything from deer to rabbit, berries, stews which actually turned out to be quite good. But I still did not understand the reason for the celebration until I overheard a man talking about the white man's baby. I understood just enough to realize why I was here to begin with and it made me incredibly angry. I made move to stand but was pulled back down by one of the men sitting close by. Apparently I was the reason for this feast, that and the birth of my son and my being here had been planned for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they hadn't been watching us and waiting to kill my family but the fact that I had killed and injured a few of them then eluded them for a good distance had sealed my fate. They needed a strong white man. Not a white woman, they already had plenty of women but they didn't usually bother with grown white men because they were either weak when men should be strong or they were too much trouble. I was too much trouble but I was also strong and that had come from working all my life and sharing a dream with my father about building a ranch. That dream would never be easy and we had worked long days to make it what it was. My mother had been unable to have any more children after Jenny so it was just me and my father, and would have been my cousins if I had been allowed to stay.
   I stood again and this time refused to be pulled back down. Let them have their feast, I wanted no part of it.
   I did not walk back to my own home but instead to the far side of the camp opposite where the water was. I was mad enough to strangle a grown man and were it not for the constant threat of facing another injury I would have very possibly commenced a fight starting with Crossing the Water.
   After an hour I knew he was not far behind me and he had been for a while.
"your people have destroyed my life and the only thing they do about it is put on a feast and celebrate"
    "The celebration is for the child, it is not uncommon to do such"

"the child of a white man? the color of my skin does not make me a fool Crossing the Water"

"this is not so simple" he said sitting down next to me "we knew there was a man who posessed the spirit of the Cheyenne. We knew when we had found him"

"did your people not think that when a man hates the Cheyenne as much as I do that it would be much harder to accomplish their purpose?"

"it does not matter" Crossing the Water said "you do not hate Moon Rises and you do not hate your son"

I was not going to argue that. He was right

"you know what you need to do"

Of course I did, I was not going to bring any ridicule on Moon Rises head by being the one husband in camp who did not provide for and take care of his own wife. Everything was for her.

Crossing the Water gave me my weapons the next morning and I went off in search of something that would provide us with food but also her family as they had taken care of her during the time that I was injured. Why I cared about that I really didn't know, maybe it was the fact that they had taken care of her when I was unable to and had taken care of me as well. I did not like to admit that but really how could they fault me for trying to escape? All the Cheyenne here knew that I was not simply going to aquiece and give into what they wanted.

I returned later that day to find quite a commotion among the men in the encampment and whatever the cause it seemed to be good news.

"you will ride with us tomorrow, we have found a herd of buffalo" Crossing the Water spoke finding me.

How in the world were we going to hunt buffalo? They were beasts of animals but I supposed they would provide much meat and I would have enough to share with Moon Rises family. My only concern was my skill with a bow and arrow as I had not much time to practice and could scarcely hit a target. How would I shoot one from the back of a horse and keep my aim true?

I would spend the remainder of the day practicing but first I wanted to see Moon Rises and our son. She was still in the lodge where she had given birth and smiled when I stepped in. The baby was asleep in her arms and she motioned for me to sit next to her so I did taking the baby from her when she handed it to me. His tiny face was that of a cherub or an angel and I knew immediatley that he would never be treated well back home nor would Moon Rises. I had been a fool to think I could bring her back with me and make a life there. Neither would I ever leave them.

"we must name him" she looked up at me "it will bring dishonor to him if we do not"

I had given little thought to providing a name and honestly did not know what would be appropriate.

I looked over at her clearly unsure but she always seemed to know just what to do.

"we should name him Two Suns"

"what does that mean?" I asked her

"you are one sun and I am one sun" she said plainly and I realized it was because our son was half Cheyenne Half White despite the incessant need to convince me that I was Cheyenne.

"he will be named Two Suns" I agreed

Moon Rises then instructed me to sit with my back to her and rose to her knees brushing and parting my hair working it into a small braid as it was just barely long enough to do so.

"when you hunt tomorrow, your hair will not be in your face" she told me "it will grow longer"

"why do the men wear their hair long?" I asked

"it is a part of them" she answered but did not seem inclined to say more

"I want to go home" she told me standing to her feet even though I could tell she was still a little weak and in a little pain.

I handed the baby to her and opened the flap then to her amazement lifted her up with the baby.

"I am well" she assured me

"among my people it is an honor for a man to help a woman and to provide her comfort" I explained not about to be swayed

Moon Rises, understanding allowed me to carry her outside and towards our home. I did not expect to get so much attention just from that simple act and but men and women alike yelled, hooted and hollered all around us. Moon Rises smiled hiding her face and as we neared our home one man pulled back the flap for us to enter. I thanked him and stepped inside setting Moon Rises down upon the pile of furs that constituted our bed. As I made sure she was comfortable the baby awoke and I once again had the opportunity to watch her feed him. I did not know if such was proper among the Cheyenne but I did not care, it was all new to me and I had never had the opportunity to witness it before.

"you must use your arrows" Moon Rises spoke after some time and while I did not want to leave her she was right.

"go, I will be well" she urged me on again

I gave her a small kiss on the cheek as a sign of affection then took my weapons and left. I picked a spot well away from the people and spent the remainder of the day shooting them at an old log until it was too dark to see. I wasn't reassured about my ability to use one on the back of a horse and successfully shoot a buffalo but I would give everything I had to do it.

We started out early the next morning when there was barely enough light to see several men gathered with their horses and weapons leaving quietly. I kept up with them well enough but found myself nervous at what we were about to do. I had never ridden into a herd of buffalo before and knew the potential for getting injured was great I also knew that this animal would feed my family and others for a while.

Crossing the Water rode up next to me carrying a long pole with a bigger and longer arrow tip at the end. He gave it to me explaining that I would need to ride right up to the side of a buffalo and throw it with all the strength that I had. If I dropped it I would not be able to pick it up without risk of injury to myself or my horse. I had one shot and I had to make it work which made me even more nervous.

Everything had been explained to me the day before and I knew once the buffalo caught scent or sight of us they would run. This is when our horses would go faster and we would eye in on one buffalo.

We slowed a little coming to an area where we were at a rise looking down into the valley below us and I realized this is exactly where we wanted to be. We were upwind of them and with any luck may be able to ride down upon them a ways without being noticed. Only it didn't happen that way. We were not even half down when I could hear the snorting and groaning of the big shaggy beasts as they began to run and all the men around me began to whoop urging their horses to gain speed.

Here it was, my one big chance to provide meat and sustinence for those who depended on me and I could not fail. Truthfully I was scared what with my heart pounding out of my chest as we rode towards them but I was also excited. I wanted to see what I could actually do, I wanted to see if I could take down one of these huge animals.

As we reached the buffalo we split with some of the men flanking them on the right and some on the left which was where I went fighting to keep up with the other men and choose a buffalo at the same time. I found one that was of a good size and moved into keep up with it despite that it constantly gained bursts of speed and then tried to turn when the rest of the herd did. If I did not take my aim soon I would loose it and I could not help but notice that other men had already caused buffalo to fall.

I urged rusty on and she flew seeming to be as excited as I was then using my right arm I held the lance as high as I could to get as much thrust out of it as possible, I did not know how much force I would have or even where to hit the buffalo to make it effective but I aimed for the side as best I could and when I was finally close enough I thrust it with all the strength I could muster piercing its side but not deep enough. The damndable thing continued to run with the lance sticking out of its side but I continued to follow it pulling my bow out from the quiver on my back and one arrow. I shot and missed then pulled out another arrow drawing it further back on the bow this time to give it more force and hit it in front of it's rear leg causing it to falter as it ran. It began to kick out with it's leg which caused it to fall on its left side breaking the lance and driving part of it further inside. It tried to regain it's footing to continue running but I pulled another arrow and shot it in the belly from underneath drawing a good amount of blood.

"you must kill it, do not let it suffer" Crossing the Water shouted before riding off

I stopped rusty and pulled out a long bladed knife that I had been given careful to watch what was going on around me. One thing I had been warned about was that the buffalo would often circle back and a herd of them coming at you could kill both you and your horse.

I could feel it's eyes upon me and hear the hard breathing from it's nostrils as I moved to the head.

"I am sorry, we must eat" I said to it knowing that to not kill it now would ensure it a slow painful death and most assuredly spoil the meat. I did not know where the knife would be most effective in ending it's life so I moved for the throat jamming the blade inside and cutting. I was sprayed with blood but it was not long before I could see the life fade from the animals eyes. I wondered what to do next as I finally took a look around me and allowed the beating of my own heart to calm. I could now see about seven other buffalo on the ground and some of the men who had brought them down were cutting into them. The herd had run off and I could no longer hear the rumbling of their hooves and I could see a slew of women coming down the hill to include, surprisingly Moon Rises as she came closer she began to laugh and it was then that I realized I must look quite a sight with blood splattering me from my head to my feet. I tried to wipe at it but that only made it worse and she laughed harder. I suddenly realized she did not have the baby and must of looked worried until she pointed up the hill.

"my mother" she said

I simply nodded reasured as Moon Rises began the long arduous task of cutting into the buffalo.

"make drag poles to carry the buffalo" Crossing the Water shouted and I could see where he was making something with crossed poles at the top that was much wider at the bottom connected with branches and laced together with hide.

"my bag" Moon Rises nodded and I soon had found two fallen trees about as big around as my leg, maybe a little bigger. I crossed them at the top lashing them tightly then found smaller sticks connecting the bottom of the logs together creating something to rest the buffallo meat and hide on.

When I was finished Moon Rises held up two fingers meaning that another one would need to be constructed and I realized that she must have a horse waiting up on the hill.

It must have been around noon when the sun was at it's highest point in the sky when we loaded everything on the two drag poles and headed back up the hill. I could hear our son crying and Moon Rises immedatley took him from her mother and unlaced her top and began to feed him from where she sat upon the horse. A woman of my own people would never in her lifetime be caught doing such, it simply wasn't proper. But people seemed to just ignore what she was doing as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Our son was happy now and in the end that's all that really mattered.

One thing I learned later on watching Moon Rises was that every part of the buffalo was used not any of it was wasted. We had a fine buffalo pelt, good meat, a pouch for carrying water, thread for sewing and so much more. I had come to see the amount of respect that the Cheyenne had for these animals and for nearly every living thing. They knew exactly where they fit in the cycle of everything and that to tresspass against it would anger their god. I believed that we all prayed to the same god anyway, perhaps they just called him by a different name.

After the hunt there was talk of moving to a summer ground where we would not have to travel so far to find the bufflo and provide for our needs. It would also be a time when we would meet up with other tribes that the Cheyenne were on friendly terms with. Scouts were sent out returning in the space of a couple of weeks announcing that there was a good place. Good for hunting and good for being able to defend the Cheyenne from any enemy tribes such as the Crow.

I watched in amazement as the women took down the lodges and efficiently packed everything onto to drag poles or onto the backs of horses. I had missed this when they had moved to the winter grounds and it was quite something to see.

Moon Rises had refused to let me help her pack everything simply saying

"men do not do this"

She had plenty of help though and as we prepared to leave she was up on a horse with our son strapped to her back in a contraption I hadn't seen before. There was wood at the back of it almost like two boards and then a little cocoon like thing attached to the boards made of hide. Only our son's head was visible and the rest of his body was held inside with laces at the front of it. He seemed to be very content and I smiled suddenly wanting to hold him.

"the Cheyenne are always at risk when we move our camp" Crossing the Water greeted me coming up from my right side as I mounted my own horse. "you are more at risk, you would be very valuable to the Crow but they would only torture you and kill you"

"that's comforting to know" I replied "what about soldiers?"

"you will not abandon your woman and child" he said plainly and was clearly right. He knew that even if many other people did not.

"you will hide from the soldiers, they will take you with them and you will not take Moon Rises with you" He continued

He didn't really have to say it. I was caught and I knew it. I had known it for a while now. Not being able to return home killed my soul, I wanted more than anything to return home. I wanted to know where my cousins were, if they had continued on our land or had left. This was a continuous ache in my heart. Moon Rises was also part of my heart now too, I had come to love her very deeply she was a good, strong woman. We never seemed to have any arguments even now that I could understand her language fairly well. But I suppose there was truly no need for it. I made sure that she was well taken care of and she made sure that I had everything I needed.

We traveled for two days each night stopping to set up a temporary camp with men who would act as sentries at night while we all slept. I could sense a general excitement as we finally reached our destination which was almost like the flat bottom of a valley. It was circular in shape but large enough to accomodate all the people and their homes. There was a river on the far side from us and beyond that the prarie stretched out for hundreds of miles  which meant that we could spot anyone coming towards us and it would also be a good place to hunt, race horses and find certain plants.

Moon Rises had our home set up in a short amount of time and began moving everything we owned inside and it was so hard not to help her. My father had built our home and would always take care of anything that need to be fixed but here this was for the women to do. I did not like feeling useless in this way and at times it almost seemed like the women had so much work to do while I had very little.

Crossing the Water had once told me that the women were the heartbeat of the Cheyenne nation and I tended to agree with him.

It was as I was walking through camp getting a bearing on where everything was that I heard a few shouts from men on the far side and in an instant Crossing the Water was riding his horse towards me he jumped down walking towards me and grabbing my upper arm.

"come"

Was all he said but there was a clear urgency as he led me to the home I shared with Moon Rises. He called to her inside before lifting the flap and that was when I realized two other men were behind us, one of them Moon Rises brother. I was very confused at this point and could not figure out what I had done to upset them so.

For several minutes we just stood inside not moving and not making a sound and even when I tried to inquire as to what was happening I was silenced.

Moon Rises seeming to understand the need for complete silence continued feeding our son and I had a feeling that she would keep him quiet by any means that she needed to.

After a few minutes I could hear mens voices moving throughout the camp and coming our way. They were not speaking the Cheyenne language and I wondered at who they were.

"Oglala" Crossing the Water whispered in my ear while keeping eye contact with the other two men inside the lodge.

After the men had passed our home Crossing the Water motioned for me to sit down but it was clear that we would not be leaving the lodge for a while and I was curious as to exactly who these visitors were as I was not familiar with too many indian tribes.

"are these men Cheyenne enemies?" I asked after a while when it seemed safe

"they are not enemies" Moon Rises brother answered "but they may tell others of the white Cheyenne in camp. This would be bad"

"you will stay inside until they leave" Crossing the Water told me and while I did not like the thought of being cooped up inside that it was the only recourse for now.

Crossing the Water knew that I would not attempt to get the "Oglala's" attention as a means of escape but knowing the purpose for which I had been taken and brought among the Cheyenne I would not so easily allow them their victory.

I waited until much later that evening after Moon Rises had fallen asleep and quietly left our home heading towards the loud talking and laughing in the distance as I knew this was where the Oglala would be. Once I found them I simply walked in among them and sat down. There were four Oglala men and all of them looked at me in great surprise right from my blond colored hair to my lighter colored skin. I didn't care what happened from that point on I had accomplished what I intended, and that was to cause questions, many questions.

The excitement grew immediately among all of them and as I had expected them to four men came, pulled me up by my arms and marched me back to my home. They said nothing but by the time we were standing outside my home they held me firm while one opened his hand and blew a powder into my face. I did not awaken for two days and when I did there were once again bands around my wrists and feet.

I had expected this but I did not know for how long I would be kept tied. Perhaps until their anger wore off or even longer as the Cheyenne were good at punishment.

I knew Moon Rises was also angry at me for doing what I had done as it was clear she had not been sleeping in our home and I had not seen her or our son since awakening.

I was ignored for a further day and a half after awakening having only been brought water and a very little bit of food by the same older woman who had tended my leg after I attempted to escape. She never spoke a word but it was clear she did not really like me and I was curious to know why. I could easily conclude the color of my skin had much to do with it but were there other reasons that were not so obvious?

Crossing the Water finally came demanding to know why I had made myself known to the Oglalas and the answer was very simple.

"you had your victory in taking me and keeping me among the Cheyenne, I had mine by embarrasing all of you. Did you think I would simply forget that I am not Cheyenne?" I shouted angrily "these are not my people and this is not my home"

"yet you have willingly taken a Cheyenne wife and your son is Cheyenne" Crossing the Water said plainly

"that was all part of your plan" I told him "I will never leave her and I will always take care of her and honor her. You will never have to concern yourself with her"

"do you love her?" Crossing the Water asked and while I was not comfortable with giving him the answer to that I wasn't about to lie either.

"very much"

"she is Cheyenne, what you have done does not honor her" Crossing the Water spoke plainly then left.

I really hated having to admit he was right. She was Cheyenne, she was of the people as a whole and would have never disgraced them in any way.

Mostly my anger at the Cheyenne was for the death of my family. How they could kill them all in cold blood the way they did and then just expect for me to forget it, to dismiss it like nothing had happened. Then I began to think about what my my mother had said to me many times about forgiveness. She had said that not to forgive someone that had trespassed against you would eat a hole in your heart and turn you into a bitter person. This was a very hard thing to forgive but truthfully the only person my anger would truly hurt was Moon Rises and that was the last thing I wanted to do. God would take care of those who had murdered my family, I knew that and I just had to let it be.

That was the last time I had tried to embarass the Cheyenne or had done anything against them. My life was with them now and despite the things that had happened they were a good people caught up in a storm of events that had not been their doing in the begining.

I went on to live a good life with them and seven children were born to Moon Rises and myself. Four boys and three girls.

You can garuntee that our girls were not given away as easily as their mother but all were taken as wives by good men. Our sons went on to become good hunters and even warriors eventually becoming caught up in the inevitable wars against the whites. The people I had once called my own.

The Cheyenne taught me to see things differently, in ways that were so obvious yet so easily ignored. They had a great respect for life itself, for every living thing, for the creator who was the creator of every living thing including us. They were not afraid to fight to defend their people, their homes, their way of life but at the same time loved to laugh and the smiles on their faces were the one thing I remembered most.

I had never envisioned my life being with the Cheyenne but in the end I was a much better person for it and I can truthfully say that I do not regret one moment of it.