John Karr part three

I had a plan but it would take a while to put into place. Maybe longer than I wanted and Moon Rises would not be left out of it she was now my wife and I had learned just how that had come to be. She had chosen to become my wife and she did not get to choose any longer.

I started by taking her off to be alone in the mornings, sometimes even on horseback although that was a feat because I always had to mount first. We would go to different places but many times to a small pond that she showed me about a good ten minutes walk away from the camp. I guess they figured that if I was with her that there was no chance that I would run off and truthfully my leg and ribs were still wrapped, I was not going anywhere very fast. These savages had no idea what awaited them when I healed.

By the time that I had been with them an entire month, and I was counting the days on a stick because I had nothing else to do it with, I had been brought back to the older woman to have the bindings removed from my leg so that she could determine the next course of action. Thankfully after spending a good half of an hour examining my leg she proclaimed it to be healed. She said my ribs were still soft and that they were to remain in bindings and warned me to be very careful on my leg. This all through Crossing the waters translation of course as my hold on the Cheyenne language was still very bad despite Crossing the water's many attempts to teach me.

Moon Rises and I had developed our own way of communicating although we weren't always able to get everything across to each other. The days were becoming a little colder now as summer had taken it's leave and I learned that there were men out scouting a for a good place to spend the winter. Once they returned we would be leaving this place and any chance I had of getting away would be gone. To that end I would be making use of my plan very soon and Moon Rises was about to become a very important part of it.

I was still unsure if she carried our child but perhaps Cheyenne women weren't always so forthcoming with information like that.

I had a good bow to hunt with even though my aim was still much off center I had still managed to bring in a deer on my own and because we had enough meat we shared some with Moon Rising's parents. I had been told to avoid them but I knew there were times that her father watched to ensure she was treated well.

I did not want the Cheyenne to think that it was unusual for us to be away for several hours during the day. I wanted them to assume we were two young people who were making the most of each other's company and for that very reason they would not come looking for us. We would go on horseback more and more often which made it possible to go further so that Moon Rises would become used to that but truthfully I did not mind exploring. This was beautiful country out here.

One time when we returned Moon Rises led me into our home and went to the back where she had obviously been keeping something. Unwrapping a piece of hide she withdrew a shirt made of hide and held it up. It had a pattern of quills in the center of it and some down the middle of the arms that would rest on my elbows. To say I was certainly surprised by this would not be accurate as I had been wearing nothing but a cloth around my waist until now even against the cold in the mornings. I took it from her and slipped it over my head realizing that it was a perfect fit and that it was very soft. She then pulled out what looked like two separate pant legs and when I must have looked a little puzzled she helped me to put one on my right leg then unfastened the string holding up the cloth using it to put through the top loop of the pant leg. she did the same with the other leg and soon I looked just like the Cheyenne men around camp except for the fact that my hair was still blond colored and much shorter than all of theirs.

She also produced a pair of moccisans for my feet as to this point i had gone everywhere wearing nothing on my bare feet and they were plenty cut up.

I did the best that i could to let her know that i appreciated the warmer clothing but inevitably I was drawn to thoughts of home and I was nearly becoming sick at wanting to go back. I wanted to know if my two cousins had made it there okay and if they had stayed. I wanted to know what happened to our cattle and if our house still stood intact or if the Cheyenne had burned it after I was taken away. Truthfully i still could not understand why they had brought me here and why they acted as if I was one of them. To my understanding women captives were so much more valuable and I was one of the enemy, I was a white man. But here I was with a home, a wife, my own weapons and now some warmer clothing. I also wondered what my father might think of all this. He had always wanted to keep well away from any conflict with the indians but he did not hate them as most people did. He always said they were trying to live and make use of the land just as we had been. They had killed him, my mother, and my younger sister and I would never forget.

I hid any thoughts of this from Moon Rising and acted like I was begining to accept life here because she was closest to me and I did not doubt that she would tell others if she realized different.

The next morning I awoke to Moon Rises hurriedly running outside and voiding whatever had been in her stomach. I was instantly worried that she might be sick but when she came back inside she looked okay. This had in fact happened for the last several mornings and each time I expected her to be ill for the remainder of the day but she was not. To say I was merely curious about this would not be accurate but I could not ask her about it and that finally bothered me enough to approach Crossing the Water about learning the language.

He already seemed to know why I sought him out and smiled. "there are things you would ask your woman but you cannot"

"you may teach me the language, I will do my best to learn"

"this would require that you wait for much time to be able to ask your woman what ails her. You give me your word that you will learn the language and I will end your suffering now"

"okay" I agreed realizing somehow that when I came to Crossing the Water now my reasons were always about Moon Rising. How had I become so entangled with this woman?

"she will grow fat with child"

I had almost expected this but my indrawn breath at the news must not have been very reassuring.

"be careful, the Cheyenne women and children are very well treated here"

"my mother and my sister were very cherished in our family. I was taught how to treat a woman" I let him know before leaving.

I went off to be alone for the first time in a while. The people did not seem to worry or even come after me because they knew I would not leave anywhere without Moon Rises. I had come to care for her very much but to say I loved her was hard, I did not want to love an indian woman, I had never intended to become married to an indian woman. Now I not only had a woman but would have a child as well and had never really intended to start a family at this time in my life. I was only nineteen. I could not look back I would only be able to make the best of what I had now.

It was because of this news that I had decided that I must do what I had been planing up until now.

While I still had time in the day I gathered up my bow and what arrows I had and moved them to a location well out of sight of the Cheyenne. I then gathered meat and what other provisions we would need and waited until it was near dark then hid them as well. Each time I worried that people would notice what I was doing and question me about it but if they had noticed I heard nothing and that reassured me. I did not like having to involve Moon Rises but she was now my wife and was carrying my child. I was going to do what I had to.

I had left with her early the next morning so that the Cheyenne would think that we were going off to be alone but as soon as we came to the place where I had stashed the things we would need she knew what I had planned and I had to tie her mouth and her hands quickly before she could raise an alarm. I then placed our provisions on another horse put her on the horse we would ride together and left. I knew no one would come looking for us for several hours and I had to cover as much ground as I could between now and then.

Moon Rises struggled and shouted through the cloth covering her mouth. Tears streamed down her face and I knew I was frightening her terribly but I had no choice and I hoped someday she might come to understand that.

I ran the horse as fast as I dared heading back the way I knew heading into the stand of trees this time and watching where I went to try and leave as few tracks as possible. I had one arm firmly around Moon Rises to ensure she did not try to jump from the horse and with the other I held onto a lead keeping the other horse behind us. It was hard going but I was very determined knowing that this would perhaps be the last chance I had to escape these savages and that they would most certainly be after me.

Suddenly Moon Rises used her bound hands to claw at the cloth that I had firmly around her mouth and I knew what was happening. I stopped the horse letting her slide down and removing the tight gag so that she could release the contents of her stomach. When she was done she attempted to run from me but I was much swifter and would not let her go bringing her back to where the horses were kicking and screaming the entire way. I worried that her screams might give an indication as to where we were, or if her family was already on our tail. Moon Rises shouted at me before I was able to work the gag back over her mouth and though I could only understand a few words there was no doubt she was both angry and pleading with me to let her go.

I fought to get her back up on the horse but when I did I was right behind her nudging the animal forward into a fast lope following the river but staying well away from it so that I could not be caught by surprise again. By the end of the day we had covered a good distance and I had yet to see any sign of the Cheyenne. This perhaps should have given me cause for releif but instead it worried me. They had most certainly discovered our absence by now and had given chase but how long had they been after us and where were they?

I found a formation of rocks and after nearly an hour of searching found an opening just wide enough for the horses and ourselves to pass through. The opening led into an area that was surrounded by rocks on all sides that would allow us to remain hidden but would give me a vantage point on top of the rocks to keep watch. I removed a buffalo hide from the second horse laying it on the ground next to a solitary tree pointing to it so that Moon Rises knew where I intended for her to sleep. She was very weary and did not put up much of a fight until I began to tie her hands to the tree forcing me to be a little rougher with her than I wanted to. I knew she would not understand why I was doing this and I did not want to hurt her but all I could do was lean down and place a kiss on her cheek, which was wet with tears.

I did not sleep that night knowing the next day was going to be pure hell but if I were going to allow the Cheyenne to sneak up on us I should not have even started the journey.

I awoke Moon Rises before the sun lit the sky allowing her to take care of her own needs before again struggling to get her on the back of the horse. I also made sure she had something to eat and that we had plenty of water before finding the opening in the rocks and slowly riding out of it. Once I had determined that there was no one else around I took the horse first at a slow walk then a fast run.

Moon Rises was either still sleepy or a little melancholy, I could not determine which but did not have time to dwell on it as I urged the horse onward paying great attention to the direction we were heading in. I still followed the river as I it was on our left throughout much of my first journey to the Cheyenne and I knew that I could follow it back far enough to gain my bearings and finally reach home. I had not thought about what I would do if I were fortunate enough to completely escape the Cheyenne or even about how Moon Rises might be treated but her coming to me and now carrying my child had not been my decision to begin with. The Cheyenne had decided that.

By the hour that the sun had risen completely over our heads I could feel that something was not right. There was a prickling at my backside and I knew what it meant but I was not about giving up the only hope I had at returning to the life that was stolen from me. I urged the horse faster keeping well away from the river and constantly looking behind us.

Moon Rises seemed to sense it too and began struggling causing me to tighten my grip around her ribs. I was not letting her go and if she were to fall it could harm the baby. During her struggles she somehow managed to pull the gag from her mouth and began to shout in Cheyenne. I purposely dropped the lead to the other horse carrying our supplies and worked the gag back over her mouth but not before she was able to bite down on my first two fingers. Many men that I knew would have slapped her for that but I knew she was only trying to escape me as I was her relatives and did not fault her for it. We kept on like that for about two hours and I knew the horse underneath us was tired but we could not stop and risk having the men behind us catch up. I did not honestly know what to do as I looked for any place that we could hide that would give the horse some water and a chance to stop running.

Suddenly an arrow sailed past us hitting a tree off to our right. Why were they firing arrows at us? surely they knew there was a chance they would hit Moon Rising.

I urged the horse onward but could feel it faltering underneath us as another arrow flew past. They were either trying to hit me in the back or to cause me to stop with the threat of an arrow lodged somewhere in my body but neither worked as I pushed the horse onward down through a grove of trees and towards an area where two mountains nearly joined together. I had to make it through that pass and if I did there was a white town only a short distance on the other side. I would at least have some reprieve from the chase and knew that they would not follow me there. I used my legs to continuously urge the horse forward and could now hear many horses behind me. My heart beat wildly but I was not giving up as I aimed for that pass and was perhaps so focused on it that I did not see the brother of Moon Rises ride up next to me with a good sized knife firmly in the grip of his hand. He drove it into my thigh and though it hurt like nothing I had ever experienced and blood was suddenly running down my leg I refused to stop. I pulled the knife out tossing it at him and set my jaw holding onto the horse with everything I had. Moon Rises began to shout which sounded more like screaming to me and I realized she must have seen my leg and was thinking that I was a mad man to continue running when I was so clearly out numbered by so many men.

"White Runner, you will kill the horse. You put yourself, your woman and your child in danger." I heard Crossing the Water shout from behind me.

"you chose this, I did not" Shouted back at him "I can't stop, I won't stop"

But as I spoke those words a blinding pain exploded at the back of my head and I lost all conciousness.

When I finally gained all of my senses I found it hard to open my eyes and I struggled with it. There was a dull ache at the back of my head where someone must have hit me and my right thigh was on fire twitching uncontrollably.  It was immediatley clear that my attempt at escape had been unsuccessful and that I had been brought back to the Cheyenne camp. The thought put me in almost immedate dispair but I would not let it overcome me. My name was John Karr, it would never be anything else and I did not care what they did to try and convince me other wise. The Cheyenne were a barbaric people and I wanted nothing of it.

I felt a touch at my right foot and raised my head still trying to see to find a woman sitting next to me. She was older than me, perhaps my mothers age and spoke not a word removing the wrap placed around my thigh cleaning the area where I had been stabbed and where the blood had dried on my leg. It was also then that I realized I had not a stitch of clothing on and looked around for something to cover myself with. There was nothing and I realized that my state of undress in front of this strange woman was at the very least of my worries. I tried to think of what they might do to me now but there was no way to know and all I could do was wait and endure this woman's ministrations without screaming. Every slight touch caused my leg to twitch and sent needles of pain in every direction even down to my toes.

I lay in that state for days, in and out of sleep, my wrists and feet tied to what I assumed were either stakes in the ground or even perhaps the poles that held up the house above which me. Finally when I thought that I might go crazy from staying in the same position for so long and having nothing to do Crossing the Water came to see me and for the longest time he did not speak, he only sat cross legged to my side. I knew he was angry with me but I did not care one whit.

"every white man who has tried to steal a woman from our people has been killed by the woman's relatives" He told me seriously "we do not kill Cheyenne men that steal Cheyenne women"

I did not understand what he meant at first but then it was very clear to me "my name is John Karr and I am not Cheyenne, I will never be Cheyenne"

"this is what you do not understand White Runner. Your spirit is Cheyenne, you have the heart of the Cheyenne. To fight this will only kill you from within"

"I am already dead"

"you are not, if you were you would have given up already"

"My name is John Karr. I am the son of Johnathan Karr and Mary Karr. You killed them, you killed my sister Jenny. I will never be Cheyenne" I shouted angrily knowing it was a very good thing that I was tied at that moment because I would have shot up and strangled him damn the pain it would cause my leg.

"your hatred will eat your heart" Crossing the Water said seriously then stood and left.

I did not see much of anyone after that. I was left tied and only allowed outside once a day to take care of my own needs. I knew that while the wound in my thigh was being taken care of very well  that I would never walk the same again. Perhaps I would be with a limp for the rest of my life but at the moment it still hurt like the dickens.

I had not seen Moon Rises throughout this time either and worried about her. I knew they were keeping her from me and given the circumstances I understood why but somehow in their custom though there had been no formal ceremony she was considered my wife and in the spring there would be a child. I worried about that constantly until late one night after I had finally fallen asleep I was awaken by a soft body next to mine and she was wearing not one stitch of clothing as she pulled a buffalo fur over both of us and went to sleep. I did not question it, only laid my head back down and drifted off.

The next morning she was still at my side until someone could be heard calling her name. She dressed quickly grabbing a water bladder and rushed outside. Moments later two of her older brothers stepped inside loosening the bonds at my wrists and feet and pulling me up until I was able to stand. I was only able to stand very well on my left leg and was forced to hobble along as they pulled me outside. Worse was I still had no clothing to speak of and was on display for everyone who was outside on  that morning. It was only then I realized we were not in the same camp as before and concluded that we must be at the place where the Cheyenne intended to spend the winter. I did not know where we were or even how far from where my home was and knew why I did not wake up until we were already here.

I was helped down to a clear pond and the bandage on my leg was removed before I sat down in the cold water setting my jaw and gritting my teeth against the pain that suddenly filled my leg. I had no doubt they were bringing me here to wash myself just as Crossing the Water had done after my ribs had been broken but due to the season the water was much colder this time. They gave me only a few minutes before pulling me out of the water and to my feet once again marching me back up the hill. They spoke to me the entire time as if I should be able to understand them and I had a feeling from this point forward no one would be speaking english to me. They were past determined to turn me into a damn bloody Cheyenne. I was forced to spend the next several days tied up inside same home which was just as well. I could not have walked or run anywhere even if i'd been of a mind to. Surprisingly Moon Rises began bringing me food in the place of the one woman who had been visiting me. I hadn't expected for her to forgive me and maybe she hadn't but she was bringing me food and she was keeping me warm at night.

One night when I was nearly asleep I heard the flap covering the doorway at my feet being lifted and there was still enough firelight inside to see that it was an older man that entered. I had not seen this man before but I immediately had the feeling that  he was someone important among the Cheyenne. He said not one word sitting down to the side of me and removing the bandage around my leg, then cleaning around the wound and putting some type of herbs on it before tying the bandage back on. Other than that I could not really tell what he wanted but then he began to speak and despite that I could not understand him it did not seem to matter. He continued on as if telling a story until I was nearly asleep then placed his hand on my leg over the wound and left.

The next morning I recalled everything and wondered about it thinking it to be a little odd. If he was an important man why would he bother to visit with me? A white man, a known enemy to the Cheyenne. Of course from their perspective I was supposed to be Cheyenne but in my own heart I had not once given into that notion. I knew exactly who I was and I would never loose that.

Later that same day my leg was troubling me terribly and at times all I could do against the pain was to grit my teeth and pull against the bonds at my wrists. Had the older man put something on my leg to cause me pain? Finally when I could not bear it any more a cry escaped me and I nearly began to thrash about as I could do nothing else.

By the time Crossing the Water entered the home I was sweating but I refused to beg for help instead I closed my eyes and looked away saying not a word. He left and returned moments later with two men who quickly untied my wrists and feet then helped me outside. They carried me towards the water and I worried that they might dump me in but instead they sat me down on the bank and used cloths to cool me off.

It did not lessen the pain any but I was now shivering instead of sweating and measuring my each breath against the pounding that had become my upper leg. All that I really wanted right now was to sleep against this pain and while I was positive the Cheyenne had something that could make this happen I would not ask nor even beg for it. I would show them that I was more than just a weak white man.

Shortly afterwards I was taken back to the home and once again tied to the stakes in the ground. Crossing the Water did not speak a word and left with the others leaving me once again to my solitude a state which would soon drive me mad and they knew it. I began to pull on the bonds at my wrists knowing that I had already tested them and found them to be very firm but this time I would not stop until I had either managed to pull the stakes from the ground or weaken the hide that was used to tie my wrists. It would take my mind off the pain at least.

By the time darkness had covered the sky outside I had not been able to loosen the stakes nor the ties around my wrists but when I had nearly fallen asleep the older man visited me once again. He cleaned and cared for my wound applying some type of herbs before putting the bandage over it and then lapsing into what I had to assume was another story. I didn't really know what else it would be unless he too was trying to impress upon me that I was Cheyenne. I suppose my advantage was that I could not understand him but the next night when he came it was not that he was simply speaking anymore. He seemed to be asking me questions and he wanted an answer despite that I did not speak the language save but a few words.

I realized then that once I could speak the language everything would be so much easier for the Cheyenne in their quest to transform me. I would be able to understand everyone instead of just Crossing the Water. It would not be so terrible to understand what Moon Rises was saying but I did not care to listen to anyone else. Three nights later when the old man came once again I was finally free of my bonds but because of my leg I had not dared venture anywhere. It still hurt like the dickens but had lessened a little to the point where I could concentrate on braiding some strips of hide I had found in the home. He was a little surprised to find me sitting up but did not comment much on it, simply instructed me to lie down so that he could change out the bandage once again. He seemed to be scolding me but I did not care just listened as he again began to speak while I lay there and listened. He asked a question once again and being in a state of near sleep I unconciously answered. What was I doing? how had I known what he was asking? Was this some kind of trick?

I looked over at him but the expression on his face did not change at all he simply said "finally" in the Cheyenne language then got up and left.

Things went like this for most of the winter. I was tied most of the time and only permitted to leave the house once a day or when they decided it was neccesary. Moon Rises visited me nearly every night and even though she was not supposed to be with me it seemed that her parents had relented and ignored the fact that she slept next to me every night. She also grew much fatter and on the few occasions that my arms were free I would feel the child growing within her. My wrists and the backs of my hands were scarred from my few successfull attempts at freeing my arms but each time I did manage to pull the stakes they just made longer ones and drove them in deeper or if I broke my bonds they would use two instead of one and tie them much tighter.

One thing that had remained a constant was the old man. He came every night without fail and whatever he had done to my leg had caused it to heal much faster than it perhaps would on it's own. He also continued the story telling and asking of questions and to my own dismay I could understand a great deal more now. I could understand many more Cheyenne words now and were he to ask a question most times I would answer. The problem being that he knew exactly how much I understood and if I refused to answer he would simply repeat the question until I answered. Things he asked me were perhaps a little childish but at my mastery of the language they seemed to be appropriate. Sometimes his questions would be specific like "what color is the sky?" Though other times they were multi faceted such as "what lives among the trees in the forest?" and he was persistent, sometimes answering for me if I did not remember the words.

By the time the snow around us began to melt I had a decent mastery of the language and it was made known to me that were I to make another attempt at leaving the Cheyenne both of my legs would be broken below the knees.

They left me free of my bonds and I made my first successful attempt at walking on my own. The wound was not completely healed and it still hurt considerably but if I were to make my leg strong I had to walk. My clothing was returned to me and Moon Rises had created another pair of leggings to replace the ones that had been bloodied and torn up. The leather shoes were also returned to me and I realized immediately that I would once again be required to provide for my own household.

I did not have a problem with this as it would have been required of me were I still living with my own family and had taken a woman to wife. I still had a problem with the Cheyenne, with doing anything because they wanted it or required it. They expected me to disregard the fact that they had killed my family, they expected me to forget that I was not Cheyenne and simply go on living as one. I would not betray my family in such a manner nor would I forget that their lives were taken and my very home was taken from me. The bible would without doubt say that one must be forgiving of such things but how do you forgive that? How do you forgive the taking of lives? And for what? What reason? If I were being honest with my own self however I had taken my wife willingly, I had not shunned her nor turned her away. Did that alone not constitute some kind of acceptance on my part? At the very least it meant that I had accepted a very precious gift from a family and a sacrifice that was made on their part and Moon Rises part. The way in which we had become man and wife was never done. A woman did not simply go to a man and spend the night or several nights in his bed without bringing shame upon herself and even her family. But our circumstances were different. They had a purpose and had allowed this only once.

I suppose I should be grateful for it. The more time I spent with Moon Rises the more I came to love her. She came from a good family and was a very good wife. I would near dare say that someone like her would be hard to find back home. She could cook even with the most basic of things as there were no cookpots here or pans or even the type of utensils I was accustomed to eating with. She sewed with a bone needle and sinew and had made me some of the finest clothing. She did not complain even when I could clearly see that her large belly was very uncomfortable for her at times. She had done all this for me, a white man when in fact she should have been married to a Cheyenne man. If I were to do anything from this point forward I supposed it would be for her but for no other purpose.